I Wish, But I Push Away
by sassambassador
Summary: Really, Lucy does have feelings for Natsu, but she can't help but push him away! He's also changed a little bit... Is this going to go for the better or for the worse?


Stupid boys, that's all they will ever be.

I stormed down the guild to the door, my blonde hair flying behind me. Stupid Natsu! Why would he say that? He knows I get easily offended.

Right?

I take the time to call out one of my stellar spirits, Plue. Right away, the loyal spirit stands beside me and yells, "Puuunn!"

I must say, he is my favorite companion.

I walk on the edge, ground on one side with Plue, the other side a river, full of murky water. The boat boys yelled warnings, as usual, and I paid no attention. Instead, I ranted about my problems to the spirit.

"You know what that jerk did? I asked him how I look, and he said 'oh why do you care?' and I said "because I am a girl and I care about looks". All of a sudden he just plainly yells "You're so weird!" Literally, the entire guild thought it was funny, and started laughing. It was so embarrassing!"

I see my house in the distance, and take out the keys to unlock the door. Right as I step onto the door mat, I whisper to Plue "Be careful and check every corner and crease for our usual invaders".

Plue gave me a thumbs up and a "Punnn!" and a swiftly pushed the keys into the lock and turned it. I jumped inside my house like a ninja, followed by Plue. We looked around our surroundings to find it perfectly normal. No fire-eating teenage idiot or a blue cat inside it.

I sighed with satisfaction, hoping they'll finally see that I need breathing space.

I got into the bathtub, and had my little "relaxation hour". I stopped stressing over today's news, and I thought about everything. What mission to go next, how to pay my rent this month, what to wear tomorrow, all the little daily problems. Also, a thought bubbled in my head, constantly repeating itself, "Aren't you happy he noticed you?"

I splashed that bubble away, trying to burst it, but it deeply lodged in my head. Recently, all Natsu thought about was going on missions, kicking an enemy's ass, kicking Gray's ass, fighting erza, fighting, kicking ass, fighting some more, etc. Sometimes, it even seemed that he purposely ignored me and started bragging about the fight he won with Marco, or how he improved. It really did suck not getting attention from one of my best friends, and I started feeling, well, lonely.

_Deprived of something I desperately needed. Something to hold on to while I walk down this road alone. _

Even if I tried to approach Natsu with a normal conversation topic, it always ended with battles. That's also why we argued more than ever now. It was never like this before. More than once, I came home in tears.

_Never would I let them see how weak I have become. If I did, they'll never trust me to be strong._

My eyes are getting watery as I think back. I hate this new Natsu! I hate him! I rubbed the extra liquid out of eyes and exited the bathtub. I was in there for an excess amount of time, and I hate what the water does to my skin.

I wrapped a towel around my curvy body, reminding myself that I desperately needed to lose a couple of pounds. I opened the door and there, sitting on the couch, was the infamous Natsu himself, eating _my_ food, on _my_ couch, in _my_ room.

"NATSU!" I screamed. I slapped him across the face and hugged the towel tighter to my body, feeling a little too naked. From the impact, Natsu fell off the couch and was now rubbing his cheek, which was red.

"Hey, that hurt" he said, innocently. I smirked at him. I don't need his opinion.

"Yeah Lucy! Why'd you do that?" Happy joined in with Natsu, appearing from behind the couch. As usual, a fish was in his mouth, and he started happily chewing it.

"You know, Happy, you'll never get Charle with your dinner hanging halfway out of your mouth." I spoke with truth, as I watched Happy give me a "you know what" expression, and turned his back to me, but I knew he was stuffing the rest of his fish down his throat.

I looked towards Natsu, who was still on the floor, "Why are you here?" I sighed deeply.

"Because it would be strange if I wasn't here, right?" He got up and dusted himself off, also on the way to my shelf to where the dumbbells lay, conveniently stored just for his use. "And you left the guild early, I was kind of worried," he started working out with his dumbbells.

Worried? That word coming from his tongue made my heart skip a beat. He thought about my sake! But wait, he was the one who bullied me and made me want to leave! That boy…seriously…

I crossed my arms over my chest, "you made fun of me in front of the entire guild. It's not funny and I'm offended" I turned my head away, so that he couldn't stare into my eyes, and vice versa.

"Sorry Luce" He started, "but it was in the moment, you know?" he smiled that infamous smile.

"Moment my ass." I muttered, "I'll be right back" I said a little louder.

I hurried to my bathroom where I keep an extra supply of pajamas in the drawers, always prepared. I slipped them on and put the towel away. I exited the bathroom, again, and sat down on the couch, watching Natsu proceed to the one-hand push-ups.

"So…um…" I try to make conversation, but I failed miserably, as usual. Instead, I got up and picked up the book I was currently reading. It was a romantic-adventure sort of genre, and I liked it.

"Wow, Lucy, you're so weird," Natsu grunted in between push-ups. He was starting to sweat, excessively. I had to turn away, so I gazed at my book instead. I flipped to the page I kept my bookmark and started reading, right where I left of.

"_I have to keep going," was the only thought racing through my mind. I trudged and limped across the forest floor, keeping an eye out for my left side, where my ear couldn't hear. I was panting, breathing barely enough oxygen for my lungs. I….promised…Prim…..that…. I would live…that I would win._

"Whaacha reading?"

I snapped my book shut and jumped, being shocked, I also gave a small yelp. I almost completely forgot that Natsu was still here, and now that his black eyes are just a few inches from my face, I can tell, he's still here.

I put my arms in front of me, signaling a "back-off" motion. "Can you not be that close?" I said quietly, putting my book to the side.

He leaned his head back, momentarily pondering on the thought of what to do next. "Hey, Lucy, do you mind if I stay the night?" he asked with ease, making contact with the couch I sit on.

"OF COURSE I MIND!" I screamed with fury. I didn't want Natsu sleeping here; he was here too often for comfort, anyway. "Shouldn't you and Happy be going home now?"

"Lucy, you're no fun" He pouted, "C'mon Happy, we're going home," He looked at me one more time, before jumping out the window, with Happy right behind him.

I sunk to the floor, right after he left. Tears threatening to spill, I think about why I had to feel that way about him. Why does my heart thump loudly when I'm with him? Why does my heart skip a beat when I realize he thought about me? Why do I blush easily around him, even when he gives a small compliment?

_Why can't I just let him in? Why can't he see that I'm trapped in a cell, and I need someone to break down the concrete walls?_

Why is he such a jerk? Why does he make me cry all the time?

Why is fighting the most important thing in his life? Why will he fight for Erza in a loving way, but with me, he leaves me to my own devices? Why doesn't he ask if I'm okay?

Why, Natsu, why?

Too lazy to get up, I crawl over to my bed, using both hands and feet. I pushed the blanket off, and insert my own body in it, wrapping myself tightly. It's still cold from being unused since morning, and for some reason, I'm really cold. Almost freezing, like Gray's ice sculptures.

These are the times when I truly miss Natsu's heat, and when I wish he was here. But I kicked him out, so it's my fault. I turn to my side, and shut off my thoughts.

I can't deal with my problems. I want my dreams to be better than reality.

_I want a world like a fairy tale, a place where imagination runs free, and where anything is possible. Sadly, that world doesn't exist in reality, it's only real when I'm falling asleep, and I let my last prayers be wishes; to be in a safe haven where no one can harm me, physically or mentally. _


End file.
